Barnjum's Wraith

[00:00:11] I frankly admit, whatever may be the consequences of doing so, that I was not fond of Barnjum.

[00:00:18] In fact, I detested him.

[00:00:20] Everything that fellow said and did jarred upon me to an absolutely indescribable extent,

[00:00:26] although I did not discover for some time that he regarded me with a strange and unreasonable aversion.

[00:00:33] We were so essentially unlike in almost every particular.

[00:00:36] However, I, with my innate refinement and high culture, my over-fastidious exclusiveness in the choice of associates,

[00:00:43] and he, a big, red, coarse brute, with neither sweetness nor light, who knew himself a Philistine and seemed to like it,

[00:00:52] was so unlike that I often asked him, with a genuine desire for information, what had I in common with him?

[00:01:00] And yet, it will scarcely be believed, perhaps, that with such good reasons for keeping a part,

[00:01:05] we were continually seeking one another's company.

[00:01:08] The only explanation is that our mutual antipathy had become so much a part of ourselves

[00:01:13] that we could not let it perish for lack of nourishment.

[00:01:17] In the summer of 1877, we urried to go together on a walking tour in North Wales.

[00:01:23] I think it was chiefly because we knew that we could devise no surer means of annoying one another.

[00:01:28] But, however that may be, it was a journey from which but one of us was dated to return.

[00:01:35] I pass by the painful experiences of the first few days of that unhappy tour.

[00:01:40] I will say nothing of Barnsham's grovelling animalism, of his consummate selfishness,

[00:01:46] his more than bucolic indifference to the charms of nature,

[00:01:49] not even of the mean, sordid way in which he contrived to let me in for railway tickets and hotel bills.

[00:01:56] I wish to tell my melancholy story with the perfect impartiality,

[00:02:00] so as not to prejudice the sympathies of the listener.

[00:02:04] I shall pass, then, to the memorable day in June,

[00:02:07] when my disgust, so long pent up,

[00:02:09] culminated in one grand outburst of a not ignoble indignation,

[00:02:14] to the hour which I summoned up moral courage to sever the bonds which linked us,

[00:02:20] too unequally.

[00:02:22] I remember it so well, that brilliant morning in June,

[00:02:26] when we laughed at the Temperance Hotel in Dorl-Widlam,

[00:02:29] and scaled in sulkish silence the heights of Kader Idris,

[00:02:33] which I presume still o'erhang that picturesque village.

[00:02:36] The air up there was keen and bracing,

[00:02:38] and I recollect that I could not repress an aesthetic shudder

[00:02:42] at the crude and primitive tone which Barnjum's nose had assumed

[00:02:45] under atmospheric influences.

[00:02:48] I mentioned this when he retorted that,

[00:02:51] could I see the suit and hat I was wearing,

[00:02:54] I would feel the propriety of his nose going red.

[00:02:57] Any man in your position could always dress like a gentleman, Bunting.

[00:03:01] Like a gentleman?

[00:03:02] I took no notice of his insult.

[00:03:04] A Bunting, for that is my name, Philibert Bunting,

[00:03:08] can afford to pass such insinuations by.

[00:03:11] Indeed, I find it actually cheaper to do so,

[00:03:14] and I flattered myself that my dress was distinguished

[00:03:17] by a sort of studded looseness

[00:03:19] that would appeal to one of a cultivated and artistic eye.

[00:03:23] Barnjum's hard and shallow organs could not be expected to appreciate it.

[00:03:29] Presently, we found ourselves skating the edge of a huge chasm,

[00:03:33] whose steep sides sloped sheer down

[00:03:36] into the slate-blue waters of the lake below.

[00:03:39] How can I hope to give an idea of the magnificent view

[00:03:43] which met our eyes as we stood there?

[00:03:45] A view of which, as far as I am aware,

[00:03:48] no description has ever yet been attempted.

[00:03:52] To our right, toward the peaks of Dolgele,

[00:03:55] with their saw-like outline cutting the blue sky

[00:03:58] with a faint grating sound,

[00:04:00] while the shreds of white cloud lay below in drifts,

[00:04:03] at our feet were the sunlit waters of the lake,

[00:04:06] upon which danced a fleet of brown-sailed herring boats.

[00:04:10] Beyond was on the plain of Kapilkurig,

[00:04:13] and over on the left sparkled the falls of Edid.

[00:04:17] As I took all of this in,

[00:04:19] I felt a longing to say something worthy of the occasion.

[00:04:23] Being possessed of a considerable fund of carefully dried and selected humour,

[00:04:27] I frequently amused myself with a species of intellectual exercise,

[00:04:31] which consists of so framing a remark

[00:04:34] that a word of more therein may bear two entirely opposite constructions,

[00:04:38] and some quaint names of the vicinity seemed to me

[00:04:41] just then admirably adopted for this purpose.

[00:04:45] I was about to gauge my dull-witted companion's capacity by some test,

[00:04:49] when he interrupted.

[00:04:51] Quay, you ought to live up here, Bunting.

[00:04:53] You are made with this identical old mountain.

[00:04:55] I was not displeased.

[00:04:57] For Londoners I have been for these many years,

[00:05:00] I have the nerve and zest of a practice mountaineer.

[00:05:02] Perhaps I was, I said good-humouredly.

[00:05:06] But how did you find out?

[00:05:09] I'll tell you.

[00:05:11] This is Kader Idris, ain't it?

[00:05:14] Well, and you're a Kader Idris, aren't you?

[00:05:17] See? See there?

[00:05:19] That's how I get at it.

[00:05:20] He must have been laboriously leading up to that

[00:05:24] for the last ten minutes.

[00:05:26] I solemnly declare that it was not the personal outrage that groused me.

[00:05:30] I simply felt that a paltry verbal quibble of that description,

[00:05:34] emitted amidst such scenery and at that altitude,

[00:05:38] required a protest in the name of indignant nature,

[00:05:41] and I protested accordingly,

[00:05:43] albeit with an impetuosity which I afterwards regretted.

[00:05:48] He happened to be standing, you see, on the brink of an abyss,

[00:05:52] and had just turned his back upon me,

[00:05:54] as with a vigorous thrust of my right foot,

[00:05:56] I launched him into the blue ether,

[00:05:58] with a chuckle of his hollowed jest still hovering at his lips.

[00:06:06] I watched his progress with some interest,

[00:06:09] as he rebounded from point to point during his descent.

[00:06:12] I waited, amused,

[00:06:15] until the echoes he had aroused died away on the breeze,

[00:06:18] and then, slowly and thoughtfully,

[00:06:20] I retraced my steps.

[00:06:23] I took the next up train,

[00:06:25] and before I reached town,

[00:06:27] had succeeded in dismissing the incident from my mind.

[00:06:30] Or, if I thought of it at all,

[00:06:33] it was only to indulge relief at the reflection

[00:06:35] that I had shaken off Barnjam forever.

[00:06:38] But when I had paid my cab,

[00:06:40] and was taking out my latchkey,

[00:06:42] a curious thing happened.

[00:06:44] The driver called me back.

[00:06:46] Beg pardon, sir,

[00:06:48] but I think you've been and left something white in my cab.

[00:06:51] I turned and looked,

[00:06:52] and in there,

[00:06:54] grinning at me from the interior of the handsome,

[00:06:56] over the folding doors,

[00:06:58] was the Wraith of Barnjam.

[00:07:01] I had the presence of mind to thank the man for his honesty,

[00:07:04] and to go upstairs with as little noise as possible.

[00:07:09] It was quite the conventional ghost, really.

[00:07:12] Filmy, transparent,

[00:07:13] and though wanting firmness and outline,

[00:07:15] a really passable likeness of Barnjam.

[00:07:18] Before I retired to rest,

[00:07:19] I had thrown both of my boots,

[00:07:21] and the contents of my bookcase through the thing,

[00:07:24] without appearing to cause it more than temporary inconvenience,

[00:07:27] which convinced me that it was indeed

[00:07:29] a being from another world.

[00:07:33] Its choice of garments struck me even then

[00:07:36] as decidedly unusual.

[00:07:37] I am not narrow.

[00:07:39] I cheerfully allow that,

[00:07:41] assuming the necessity for apparitions at all,

[00:07:44] it is well that they should be rubed in rubes of some kind.

[00:07:48] Barnjam's ghost, however,

[00:07:49] delighted at a combination of costume

[00:07:51] which set the fitness of things at defiance.

[00:07:55] It wore that evening, for instance,

[00:07:57] striped pantaloons,

[00:07:59] a surplus,

[00:08:00] and an immense cocked hat.

[00:08:02] On subsequent occasions,

[00:08:04] its changes of costume were so rapid

[00:08:06] and so eccentric

[00:08:07] that I could only explain them

[00:08:09] on the supposition

[00:08:10] that somewhere in space

[00:08:12] there exists a supernatural theatrical war robe,

[00:08:15] and that Barnjam's ghost

[00:08:16] had the run of it.

[00:08:19] I had not been in very long

[00:08:21] when my landlady came up to see if I wanted anything,

[00:08:24] and of course as soon as she saw it she came in

[00:08:27] and she was quite objectionable.

[00:08:29] She objected very strongly,

[00:08:31] declaring that she would not have any such nasty things in her house.

[00:08:35] I pacified her by assuring her

[00:08:37] that I was only taking care of it for a friend.

[00:08:41] It would be very easy to harrow the listeners' sympathies here

[00:08:45] by telling a description of my terror

[00:08:48] and my guilty confusion

[00:08:49] at the unforeseen consequences of what I had done.

[00:08:52] But I think the straightforward way is always the best,

[00:08:55] and I do not care to heighten the effect

[00:08:57] by attributing to myself

[00:08:59] a variety of sensations

[00:09:00] which I do not remember

[00:09:02] to have actually felt at the time.

[00:09:05] My first impression

[00:09:07] had been that the spectre

[00:09:08] was merely the product of overwrought nerves

[00:09:11] or indigestion,

[00:09:12] but it seemed unlikely

[00:09:13] that the cabman and landlady

[00:09:15] would suffer from either of these

[00:09:17] only to witness the same thing.

[00:09:19] I was forced to conclusion

[00:09:20] that it was a real ghost

[00:09:22] and would probably continue to haunt me

[00:09:24] until the near end of my days.

[00:09:27] Of course,

[00:09:27] I was disgusted by this exhibition

[00:09:30] of petty revenge

[00:09:31] and low malice on the part of Barnjam,

[00:09:33] which might be tolerated perhaps

[00:09:35] in a Christmas annual

[00:09:36] with a full-page illustration,

[00:09:38] but which, in real life

[00:09:40] and the height of summer,

[00:09:42] was a glaring anachronism.

[00:09:44] Still,

[00:09:45] it was no use to dwell on the unpleasantness.

[00:09:48] I told myself

[00:09:49] that I had made my ghost

[00:09:51] and would have to live with it,

[00:09:52] and, after all,

[00:09:54] I had much to be thankful for.

[00:09:56] Barnjam and spirit

[00:09:57] was a decided improvement

[00:09:59] upon Barnjam and the flesh.

[00:10:01] Further,

[00:10:02] as the spirit did not appear

[00:10:03] to be gifted with speech,

[00:10:04] it was unlikely to tell tales.

[00:10:07] Besides,

[00:10:08] Barnjam was absolutely unknown about town.

[00:10:11] His only relative

[00:10:12] was an aunt resident at Camberwell.

[00:10:14] There was no danger

[00:10:15] of the spirit being identified

[00:10:17] in the circles to which I belonged.

[00:10:20] It would have been folly

[00:10:22] to shut one's eyes

[00:10:24] to the fact

[00:10:24] that it might require

[00:10:26] considerable nerve

[00:10:27] to re-enter society

[00:10:29] closely attended

[00:10:30] by an obscure

[00:10:31] and fancifully attired apparition.

[00:10:34] Society would sneer considerably

[00:10:35] at first

[00:10:36] and make remarks,

[00:10:37] but I was full of tact

[00:10:38] and knowledge of the world,

[00:10:39] and I knew, too,

[00:10:41] that men have overcome

[00:10:42] far more formidable obstacles

[00:10:44] to social success

[00:10:45] than any against which

[00:10:47] I should be called to contend.

[00:10:49] And so,

[00:10:50] instead of weakly giving way

[00:10:52] to unreasonable panic,

[00:10:53] I took the more manly course

[00:10:55] of determining

[00:10:56] to live it down.

[00:10:57] When I went out

[00:10:58] to breakfast

[00:10:59] the next morning,

[00:11:00] the race insisted

[00:11:01] upon coming to,

[00:11:02] unfollowed me

[00:11:03] to my intense annoyance

[00:11:05] down St. James Street.

[00:11:07] In fact,

[00:11:07] for many weeks

[00:11:08] it was almost constantly

[00:11:10] by my side

[00:11:10] and rendered me

[00:11:12] the innocent victim

[00:11:13] of mingled curiosity

[00:11:14] and aversion.

[00:11:17] I thought it best

[00:11:19] to affect to be unaware

[00:11:20] of the presence

[00:11:20] of anything

[00:11:21] of a ghostly nature,

[00:11:22] but by and by

[00:11:23] the whole town

[00:11:24] began to ring with the story,

[00:11:25] and I found it impossible

[00:11:27] to pretend ignorance

[00:11:28] any longer.

[00:11:29] So,

[00:11:30] I told everyone

[00:11:31] that it was

[00:11:31] an artfully contrived piece

[00:11:33] of spectral mechanism

[00:11:34] of which I was the inventor

[00:11:36] and for which

[00:11:38] I contemplated

[00:11:38] taking out a patent.

[00:11:39] This might well

[00:11:41] have earned me

[00:11:41] a high reputation

[00:11:42] in the scientific world

[00:11:43] if Masters Maskeline

[00:11:45] and Cook

[00:11:45] had not declared

[00:11:46] that they had long

[00:11:47] since anticipated

[00:11:48] the secret of my machine

[00:11:50] and could manufacture one

[00:11:51] in every way

[00:11:52] superior to it,

[00:11:53] which they presently did.

[00:11:56] Then,

[00:11:57] I was obliged

[00:11:58] to confide

[00:11:58] in the strictest secrecy

[00:12:00] of course

[00:12:00] to two members

[00:12:01] of the peerage,

[00:12:02] both persons

[00:12:03] of irreproachable breeding

[00:12:05] with whom at the time

[00:12:06] I was exceedingly intimate,

[00:12:08] that it was indeed

[00:12:09] a bona fide apparition,

[00:12:11] and that I rather liked

[00:12:12] such things about me.

[00:12:13] In a very short time

[00:12:15] the story had gone round

[00:12:16] the clubs

[00:12:16] and drawing rooms,

[00:12:18] and I found myself

[00:12:19] launched

[00:12:20] as a lion

[00:12:21] of the largest size.

[00:12:24] I received invitations

[00:12:26] everywhere,

[00:12:27] upon the understanding

[00:12:28] that I was to bring

[00:12:29] the wraith of Barnjum,

[00:12:30] who was to be seen

[00:12:31] at the finest houses

[00:12:32] in town

[00:12:33] for the remainder

[00:12:34] of the season.

[00:12:35] I was even asked down

[00:12:36] for shooting

[00:12:37] by several wealthy

[00:12:38] parvenous,

[00:12:39] with a secret hope

[00:12:40] that the ghost

[00:12:40] might be convinced

[00:12:41] to stay with them

[00:12:43] permanently,

[00:12:44] thereby imparting

[00:12:46] to their brand new

[00:12:47] palaces

[00:12:47] the necessary flavor

[00:12:49] of the ancestral ghost.

[00:12:52] To tell the truth,

[00:12:53] whatever novelty

[00:12:54] there was

[00:12:54] about it

[00:12:55] soon wore off.

[00:12:56] In fact,

[00:12:57] too soon,

[00:12:58] for as fickle

[00:12:59] as the size he is,

[00:13:00] I have no hesitation

[00:13:01] in stating

[00:13:01] that I had hoped

[00:13:03] it would last

[00:13:03] at least a second season.

[00:13:05] If only Barnjum's ghost

[00:13:07] had not persisted

[00:13:08] in making itself

[00:13:08] so ridiculously cheap,

[00:13:10] that,

[00:13:11] in little more

[00:13:12] than a fortnight,

[00:13:13] society was as sick

[00:13:14] of it as myself.

[00:13:16] And then the inconveniences

[00:13:19] which attached

[00:13:19] to my situation

[00:13:20] began to assert

[00:13:22] themselves

[00:13:22] more and more

[00:13:24] emphatically.

[00:13:25] I began to stay

[00:13:26] at home in the evening,

[00:13:28] and here I observed

[00:13:29] that the fandom

[00:13:29] had a not unpleasant

[00:13:31] trick of illuminating

[00:13:32] itself at the approach

[00:13:33] of darkness

[00:13:34] with a bilious green light,

[00:13:36] which,

[00:13:37] as it was not

[00:13:38] nearly strong enough

[00:13:38] to enable me

[00:13:39] to dispense

[00:13:40] with a reading lamp,

[00:13:41] eventually began

[00:13:42] to depress me.

[00:13:44] Then it began

[00:13:45] to absent itself

[00:13:46] occasionally for days,

[00:13:47] which often left me

[00:13:48] worried,

[00:13:49] relieved as I was

[00:13:50] at my personal freedom

[00:13:51] at what nefarious

[00:13:53] activities it might

[00:13:54] be up to.

[00:13:55] I had to leave

[00:13:56] the rooms

[00:13:57] where I had been

[00:13:57] so comfortable,

[00:13:58] for my landlady

[00:14:00] complained that the street

[00:14:01] was blocked up

[00:14:01] by a mob

[00:14:02] of the lowest description

[00:14:03] from seven till early

[00:14:05] in the morning,

[00:14:05] that she could really

[00:14:07] tolerate it no longer.

[00:14:09] On inquiry,

[00:14:10] I found that this

[00:14:11] was owing to

[00:14:12] Barnjum's ghost

[00:14:13] getting out upon

[00:14:14] the roof

[00:14:14] almost every night

[00:14:15] after dark,

[00:14:17] and playing the fool

[00:14:18] amongst the chimney pots,

[00:14:20] causing me,

[00:14:22] as its apparent owner,

[00:14:23] to be indicted

[00:14:24] five times

[00:14:25] for committing

[00:14:26] a common nuisance,

[00:14:27] for conducting

[00:14:28] an unlawful assembly,

[00:14:30] and I spent

[00:14:32] all of my spare

[00:14:32] cash in fines.

[00:14:34] I believe

[00:14:35] that there were

[00:14:36] portraits of us both

[00:14:37] in the illustrated

[00:14:38] police news,

[00:14:39] but the distinction

[00:14:41] implied in this

[00:14:42] was more than

[00:14:42] overweighed

[00:14:43] by the fact

[00:14:44] that Barnjum's

[00:14:45] race was slowly,

[00:14:46] but surely,

[00:14:48] undermining

[00:14:48] both my fortune

[00:14:49] and my reputation.

[00:14:53] It followed me

[00:14:54] one day

[00:14:54] on the underground,

[00:14:55] and behaved

[00:14:56] so shamefully

[00:14:57] that a lawsuit

[00:14:58] ensued,

[00:14:59] a nine-day sensation

[00:15:01] in the legal world.

[00:15:02] You are doubtless

[00:15:03] aware of the celebrated

[00:15:04] Metropolitan District

[00:15:06] versus Bunting,

[00:15:07] in which the legal

[00:15:08] precedent was established,

[00:15:09] whereby a railroad

[00:15:11] company is entitled

[00:15:12] to refuse ghosts,

[00:15:14] spectres,

[00:15:15] or any other

[00:15:16] supernatural baggage,

[00:15:17] and moreover,

[00:15:18] may levy heavy

[00:15:19] penalties from passengers

[00:15:20] who infringe

[00:15:21] on its bylaws.

[00:15:24] Hmph.

[00:15:25] But Barnjum's ghost

[00:15:26] was bent upon

[00:15:27] alienating me

[00:15:28] from high society

[00:15:28] also,

[00:15:29] for at one of the

[00:15:30] best dances

[00:15:31] of the season,

[00:15:32] at a house

[00:15:32] where I had

[00:15:33] with infinite pains,

[00:15:34] just established

[00:15:35] a foothold.

[00:15:36] That miserable

[00:15:37] fountain

[00:15:38] disgraced me forever

[00:15:39] by executing

[00:15:40] a decidedly

[00:15:41] objectionable

[00:15:42] species of

[00:15:42] can-can

[00:15:43] between the dances.

[00:15:45] Feeling directly

[00:15:46] responsible

[00:15:47] for its behavior,

[00:15:48] I apologized

[00:15:49] profusely

[00:15:50] to my hostess,

[00:15:51] but the affair

[00:15:52] found itself

[00:15:53] into the journals,

[00:15:54] and she neither

[00:15:54] forgave

[00:15:55] nor recognized

[00:15:56] me again.

[00:15:59] Shortly after that,

[00:16:01] the committee

[00:16:02] of my club,

[00:16:03] one of the most

[00:16:04] exclusive in London,

[00:16:05] of course,

[00:16:06] invited me

[00:16:06] to resign,

[00:16:08] intimating that,

[00:16:09] by introducing

[00:16:10] an acquaintance

[00:16:10] of questionable

[00:16:11] antecedents

[00:16:12] and disreputable

[00:16:13] exterior

[00:16:14] into the private

[00:16:15] lounges,

[00:16:16] I had abused

[00:16:17] the privileges

[00:16:18] of membership.

[00:16:20] I had been

[00:16:21] afraid of this

[00:16:22] when I saw it

[00:16:22] following me

[00:16:23] into the building,

[00:16:24] arrayed in

[00:16:25] highland costume

[00:16:26] and tall hat.

[00:16:28] Up to that time,

[00:16:30] I had been

[00:16:30] practicing at the bar

[00:16:31] where I was doing

[00:16:32] pretty well,

[00:16:33] but now no

[00:16:34] respectable firm

[00:16:35] of solicitors

[00:16:36] would employ a man

[00:16:37] who had such

[00:16:38] an unprofessional

[00:16:39] thing as a phantom

[00:16:40] about his chambers.

[00:16:41] I threw up my practice,

[00:16:43] and no sooner

[00:16:44] it changed

[00:16:45] my last sovereign

[00:16:46] than I was summoned

[00:16:47] for keeping a ghost

[00:16:48] without a license.

[00:16:51] Barnjam's ghost

[00:16:52] had ruined me,

[00:16:52] and therefore I

[00:16:53] considered why

[00:16:54] I should not endeavor

[00:16:55] to turn an honest

[00:16:56] penny out of it.

[00:16:57] It was genuine,

[00:16:59] as well I know.

[00:17:00] It was,

[00:17:01] in some respects,

[00:17:02] original.

[00:17:03] It was imminently

[00:17:04] calculated to delight

[00:17:05] the young

[00:17:06] and instruct the old,

[00:17:07] and there was

[00:17:08] even a moral or two

[00:17:09] to be got out of it,

[00:17:10] and though I had long

[00:17:11] failed to attract

[00:17:12] in town,

[00:17:13] I saw no reason

[00:17:14] why it should not

[00:17:15] be a great hit

[00:17:16] in the provinces.

[00:17:17] I borrowed

[00:17:18] the necessary funds

[00:17:19] and soon had made

[00:17:21] all the preliminary

[00:17:22] arrangements

[00:17:22] for running

[00:17:23] Barnjam's Wraith

[00:17:24] on a short tour

[00:17:25] of the provinces

[00:17:26] opening at

[00:17:27] Tinby,

[00:17:28] South Wales.

[00:17:30] I took every

[00:17:31] precaution,

[00:17:32] traveling by night

[00:17:33] and keeping within

[00:17:34] doors all day,

[00:17:35] lest the shade,

[00:17:36] which was

[00:17:36] deplorably destitute

[00:17:38] of the commonest

[00:17:39] professional pride,

[00:17:40] should get about

[00:17:41] and exhibit itself

[00:17:42] beforehand for nothing.

[00:17:44] So successful

[00:17:45] was I

[00:17:46] that when it first

[00:17:47] burst upon

[00:17:48] a Welsh audience,

[00:17:49] no ghost

[00:17:50] could have wished

[00:17:51] for a more

[00:17:52] enthusiastic reception,

[00:17:54] and,

[00:17:54] for the first

[00:17:55] and last time,

[00:17:56] I felt

[00:17:57] positively

[00:17:58] proud of it.

[00:18:00] But,

[00:18:02] but the applause

[00:18:03] gradually subsided.

[00:18:05] It had not

[00:18:06] struck me

[00:18:06] till that moment

[00:18:07] that it would

[00:18:07] be necessary

[00:18:08] to do or say

[00:18:09] anything in particular

[00:18:10] during the exhibition,

[00:18:12] beyond showing

[00:18:13] the spectators

[00:18:14] around the phantom

[00:18:15] and making

[00:18:16] the customary

[00:18:16] assurance

[00:18:17] that there were

[00:18:18] no deception

[00:18:18] and no concealed

[00:18:19] machinery,

[00:18:20] which I could do

[00:18:21] with a clear

[00:18:21] conscience.

[00:18:22] But a terrible

[00:18:23] conviction struck me

[00:18:24] as I stood there

[00:18:25] bowing repeatedly

[00:18:26] that the audience

[00:18:27] had come prepared

[00:18:28] for a comic dialogue,

[00:18:30] incidental music,

[00:18:32] and dances.

[00:18:33] As it was,

[00:18:34] however,

[00:18:35] the wraith could be

[00:18:35] induced to do

[00:18:36] nothing at all

[00:18:37] beyond making rude

[00:18:38] faces of the audience

[00:18:39] and thereby

[00:18:40] making an idiot

[00:18:41] fool of itself

[00:18:43] and me,

[00:18:44] an exhibition

[00:18:45] of which

[00:18:45] they soon

[00:18:46] worried.

[00:18:47] I am perfectly

[00:18:48] certain that

[00:18:49] an ordinary

[00:18:49] magic lantern

[00:18:50] would have made

[00:18:51] a far deeper

[00:18:52] impression upon them.

[00:18:54] Whether the wraith

[00:18:55] managed in some

[00:18:56] covert way

[00:18:57] when my attentions

[00:18:58] were diverted

[00:18:59] to insult

[00:19:00] the national

[00:19:01] prejudices

[00:19:02] of that

[00:19:03] sensitive

[00:19:03] and heart-brizzed

[00:19:05] nation,

[00:19:05] I cannot say.

[00:19:07] I only know

[00:19:08] that after

[00:19:09] sitting still

[00:19:09] for some time,

[00:19:11] they suddenly

[00:19:11] rose as a man,

[00:19:13] chairs were hurled

[00:19:14] at me through

[00:19:14] the ghost,

[00:19:15] and the stage

[00:19:16] was completely

[00:19:16] wrecked

[00:19:17] before the audience

[00:19:18] could be induced

[00:19:19] to get away.

[00:19:23] It was all over.

[00:19:25] I was hopelessly

[00:19:26] ruined now.

[00:19:27] I paid for the

[00:19:28] smashed platform

[00:19:29] and windows

[00:19:30] with the money

[00:19:31] that had been

[00:19:31] taken at the doors,

[00:19:32] and then I

[00:19:33] travelled back

[00:19:33] to London

[00:19:34] third class

[00:19:35] that night

[00:19:37] with the feeling

[00:19:38] that everything

[00:19:39] was against me.

[00:19:41] It was now

[00:19:42] Christmas,

[00:19:42] and I was sitting

[00:19:43] in my shabby

[00:19:44] Bloomsbury lodgings

[00:19:45] watching with a

[00:19:47] miserable apathetic

[00:19:48] interest

[00:19:48] as Barnjum's

[00:19:49] wraith,

[00:19:50] clad in Roman

[00:19:51] toga,

[00:19:52] top boots

[00:19:53] and a turban,

[00:19:55] flitted about

[00:19:55] the horsehair

[00:19:56] furniture,

[00:19:59] disinterestedly.

[00:20:03] I could only hope

[00:20:04] that this insidious

[00:20:05] shade,

[00:20:06] now that it had

[00:20:07] hounded me down

[00:20:08] to poverty,

[00:20:09] would consider this

[00:20:10] a sufficient

[00:20:11] expiation of my

[00:20:12] error,

[00:20:13] and go away

[00:20:14] and leave me

[00:20:14] in peace.

[00:20:17] But I felt

[00:20:18] only too keenly

[00:20:20] that it was

[00:20:21] one of those

[00:20:22] ideared

[00:20:23] apparitions

[00:20:24] which never know

[00:20:25] when they have

[00:20:25] never had

[00:20:26] enough of a

[00:20:27] good thing.

[00:20:28] It would be

[00:20:29] sure to stay

[00:20:29] and see the

[00:20:30] last of me.

[00:20:33] At once,

[00:20:34] there came a

[00:20:35] sharp tap

[00:20:35] at my door

[00:20:36] and another

[00:20:37] figure

[00:20:38] strewed

[00:20:38] solemnly in.

[00:20:39] This too

[00:20:41] bore the

[00:20:41] semblance of

[00:20:42] Barnjum,

[00:20:43] but that was

[00:20:44] cast in a

[00:20:44] more substantial

[00:20:45] mold and

[00:20:46] possessed the

[00:20:47] power of speech

[00:20:48] as I gathered

[00:20:49] from its

[00:20:49] addressing me

[00:20:50] instantly as

[00:20:51] a cowardly

[00:20:52] villain.

[00:20:53] I started

[00:20:54] back, stood

[00:20:55] behind my

[00:20:56] armchair, and

[00:20:57] faced these

[00:20:58] two forms,

[00:20:59] the shadow

[00:21:00] and the

[00:21:00] solid, with

[00:21:01] a feeling of

[00:21:02] sick despair.

[00:21:04] Listen to me,

[00:21:05] I said.

[00:21:06] Both of you,

[00:21:07] so long as

[00:21:08] your original

[00:21:09] proprietor was

[00:21:10] content with a

[00:21:11] single wraith,

[00:21:12] I put up with

[00:21:13] it.

[00:21:13] I did not

[00:21:14] enjoy myself,

[00:21:15] but I endured

[00:21:16] it.

[00:21:17] But a brace

[00:21:18] of apparitions is

[00:21:19] really carrying

[00:21:19] the thing too far.

[00:21:21] It's more than

[00:21:21] any one man's

[00:21:22] fair allowance,

[00:21:23] and I won't

[00:21:24] stand it.

[00:21:25] I defy the

[00:21:26] pair of you.

[00:21:26] I will find

[00:21:27] means to escape

[00:21:28] you.

[00:21:28] I will leave

[00:21:29] the world.

[00:21:30] Other people

[00:21:31] can be ghosts

[00:21:31] as well as

[00:21:32] you.

[00:21:32] It's not a

[00:21:33] monopoly.

[00:21:34] If you don't

[00:21:34] go directly,

[00:21:35] I shall make

[00:21:35] a ghost of

[00:21:36] myself.

[00:21:38] Presently,

[00:21:39] the solid form

[00:21:40] spoke.

[00:21:40] Blow your

[00:21:41] brains out by

[00:21:42] all means.

[00:21:42] I know not

[00:21:43] what all this

[00:21:44] nonsense you're

[00:21:44] talking about

[00:21:45] is.

[00:21:45] I'm no ghost

[00:21:46] that I'm aware.

[00:21:47] I'm alive,

[00:21:48] no thanks to

[00:21:48] you.

[00:21:49] And to come

[00:21:50] back to the

[00:21:50] point of the

[00:21:50] me,

[00:21:51] you scoundrel.

[00:21:52] Barnjum?

[00:21:53] And alive?

[00:21:55] If that is so,

[00:21:56] will you have

[00:21:57] the goodness

[00:21:57] to tell me

[00:21:58] what right

[00:21:58] you have

[00:21:59] to this

[00:21:59] ridiculous

[00:22:00] apparition

[00:22:00] here?

[00:22:02] He did

[00:22:02] not seem

[00:22:03] to have

[00:22:03] noticed it

[00:22:04] particularly

[00:22:04] until then.

[00:22:05] Hello?

[00:22:06] What do you

[00:22:07] call that

[00:22:07] thing?

[00:22:07] I call

[00:22:08] it a

[00:22:09] basely

[00:22:09] nuisance,

[00:22:10] I said.

[00:22:11] Ever

[00:22:11] since,

[00:22:12] well,

[00:22:13] ever since

[00:22:13] I last

[00:22:14] saw you,

[00:22:14] it's been

[00:22:15] following me

[00:22:15] about

[00:22:15] everywhere

[00:22:16] in a very

[00:22:17] annoying

[00:22:18] manner.

[00:22:19] would it

[00:22:20] be believed

[00:22:20] that the

[00:22:21] unfeeling

[00:22:21] brute

[00:22:22] only

[00:22:22] chuckled

[00:22:23] at this?

[00:22:25] Can I say

[00:22:25] I knew

[00:22:26] anything about

[00:22:26] it,

[00:22:27] but all I

[00:22:27] can say

[00:22:28] is that

[00:22:28] it serves

[00:22:29] you jolly

[00:22:29] well,

[00:22:29] right?

[00:22:29] I hope

[00:22:30] that it

[00:22:31] will go

[00:22:31] on

[00:22:31] annoying

[00:22:31] you.

[00:22:32] This

[00:22:33] is

[00:22:33] ungenerous,

[00:22:34] I said,

[00:22:35] determined

[00:22:35] to appeal

[00:22:36] to any

[00:22:36] better

[00:22:37] feelings

[00:22:37] Bonjom

[00:22:38] might

[00:22:38] have

[00:22:38] had.

[00:22:39] We

[00:22:40] did

[00:22:40] not part

[00:22:42] on the

[00:22:42] best terms

[00:22:43] perhaps,

[00:22:44] but,

[00:22:44] well,

[00:22:45] considering

[00:22:46] that you

[00:22:47] kicked me

[00:22:47] over a

[00:22:47] precipice

[00:22:48] when I

[00:22:48] wasn't

[00:22:49] looking,

[00:22:50] we may

[00:22:50] well take

[00:22:51] that as

[00:22:51] admitted.

[00:22:53] See

[00:22:53] here,

[00:22:54] Bonjom,

[00:22:54] I said,

[00:22:55] determined

[00:22:56] to make

[00:22:56] a last

[00:22:56] effort

[00:22:57] to move

[00:22:57] him.

[00:22:57] It's a

[00:22:58] ridiculous

[00:22:59] thing

[00:22:59] to cherish

[00:23:00] an old

[00:23:00] grudge

[00:23:00] all this

[00:23:01] time.

[00:23:01] You

[00:23:02] must see

[00:23:02] the

[00:23:02] absurdity

[00:23:03] of it

[00:23:03] yourself.

[00:23:04] He

[00:23:05] apparently

[00:23:05] did

[00:23:06] not.

[00:23:07] Tis

[00:23:08] Christmas

[00:23:08] Eve,

[00:23:09] Bonjom,

[00:23:10] I said

[00:23:11] earnestly.

[00:23:12] Christmas

[00:23:12] Eve,

[00:23:13] think of

[00:23:14] it,

[00:23:15] at this

[00:23:15] hour,

[00:23:16] thousands

[00:23:16] of

[00:23:16] throbbing

[00:23:17] human

[00:23:17] hearts

[00:23:18] are

[00:23:18] speeding

[00:23:19] the

[00:23:19] cheap

[00:23:19] but

[00:23:20] genial

[00:23:20] Christmas

[00:23:20] card

[00:23:21] to such

[00:23:22] of their

[00:23:22] relations

[00:23:23] as they

[00:23:23] consider it

[00:23:24] all likely

[00:23:24] to respond

[00:23:26] with a

[00:23:26] turkey.

[00:23:27] The

[00:23:28] costumonger,

[00:23:29] imaginative

[00:23:30] for the

[00:23:30] nonce,

[00:23:31] is investing

[00:23:32] damaged

[00:23:32] evergreens

[00:23:33] with purely

[00:23:34] fictitious

[00:23:35] value,

[00:23:36] and the

[00:23:36] cheery

[00:23:37] publican

[00:23:37] is sending

[00:23:38] the member

[00:23:39] of his

[00:23:39] village

[00:23:39] goose

[00:23:40] club

[00:23:40] back to

[00:23:40] his

[00:23:41] cottage

[00:23:41] home,

[00:23:42] rich in

[00:23:42] possession

[00:23:43] of a

[00:23:43] short

[00:23:44] distended

[00:23:44] bird

[00:23:45] and a

[00:23:45] bottle

[00:23:46] of

[00:23:46] poisonous

[00:23:46] port.

[00:23:47] Hear

[00:23:48] my appeal,

[00:23:49] Bonjom.

[00:23:49] I was

[00:23:50] hasty

[00:23:51] with you.

[00:23:52] I have

[00:23:53] been

[00:23:53] punished.

[00:23:54] That

[00:23:55] detestable

[00:23:56] thing

[00:23:56] on the

[00:23:57] hearth

[00:23:57] rug

[00:23:57] there

[00:23:58] has

[00:23:58] dogged

[00:23:59] my

[00:23:59] path

[00:24:00] to

[00:24:00] misery

[00:24:01] and

[00:24:01] ruin.

[00:24:02] You

[00:24:02] cannot

[00:24:02] be

[00:24:03] without

[00:24:03] some

[00:24:04] responsibility

[00:24:04] for its

[00:24:05] conduct.

[00:24:06] I ask

[00:24:07] you now

[00:24:07] as a

[00:24:08] man,

[00:24:09] nay,

[00:24:09] as an

[00:24:10] individual,

[00:24:11] to call

[00:24:11] it off.

[00:24:12] You

[00:24:12] know

[00:24:13] you

[00:24:13] can.

[00:24:15] But

[00:24:16] Bonjom

[00:24:16] wouldn't.

[00:24:17] He only

[00:24:17] looked at

[00:24:18] his own

[00:24:18] wraith with

[00:24:19] grim

[00:24:19] satisfaction

[00:24:20] as it

[00:24:20] capered

[00:24:21] in an

[00:24:21] imbecile

[00:24:22] fashion upon

[00:24:23] the rug.

[00:24:24] Do,

[00:24:25] I applaud

[00:24:25] him.

[00:24:26] Oh,

[00:24:26] please do.

[00:24:28] I will

[00:24:28] do it

[00:24:28] for you,

[00:24:29] Bonjom.

[00:24:29] I've

[00:24:30] had it

[00:24:30] about me

[00:24:31] for six

[00:24:31] months,

[00:24:32] and I'm

[00:24:32] so,

[00:24:33] so sick

[00:24:34] of it.

[00:24:35] You

[00:24:35] don't

[00:24:36] deserve

[00:24:36] that.

[00:24:39] But

[00:24:39] be it

[00:24:39] so,

[00:24:40] and then

[00:24:41] turning

[00:24:42] to the

[00:24:42] ghost,

[00:24:43] he spoke.

[00:24:46] Hear

[00:24:46] you.

[00:24:46] What's

[00:24:47] your name?

[00:24:47] Avant.

[00:24:48] Do

[00:24:48] you hear

[00:24:48] me?

[00:24:49] Hook

[00:24:49] it.

[00:24:49] Out.

[00:24:50] Scram.

[00:24:51] It's

[00:24:51] wavered

[00:24:52] for an

[00:24:52] instant.

[00:24:53] And then,

[00:24:53] to my

[00:24:54] joy,

[00:24:55] it suddenly

[00:24:55] gave all

[00:24:56] over,

[00:24:56] and

[00:24:57] shriveling

[00:24:57] up with

[00:24:58] a sort

[00:24:58] of cobweb,

[00:24:59] was drawn

[00:25:00] by the

[00:25:01] draught

[00:25:01] into the

[00:25:02] fireplace,

[00:25:02] and carried

[00:25:03] up the

[00:25:04] chimney,

[00:25:04] and I

[00:25:05] never saw

[00:25:05] it again.

[00:25:06] At last,

[00:25:07] at last I

[00:25:08] was free.

[00:25:10] Now,

[00:25:11] Barndham's

[00:25:11] escape was

[00:25:12] very simple.

[00:25:13] He had fallen

[00:25:14] upon one of

[00:25:15] the herring

[00:25:15] boats in the

[00:25:16] lake,

[00:25:16] and the heap

[00:25:17] of freshly

[00:25:17] caught fish

[00:25:18] lying on

[00:25:19] the deck

[00:25:19] had merely

[00:25:20] broken his

[00:25:21] fall instead

[00:25:21] of his

[00:25:22] neck.

[00:25:23] As soon

[00:25:23] as he had

[00:25:24] recovered from

[00:25:24] the effects,

[00:25:25] he was

[00:25:25] called away

[00:25:26] from this

[00:25:26] country upon

[00:25:27] urgent business,

[00:25:28] and found

[00:25:29] himself unable

[00:25:29] to return

[00:25:30] for months.

[00:25:32] But,

[00:25:33] to this

[00:25:34] day,

[00:25:35] the appearance

[00:25:35] of a

[00:25:36] wraith is a

[00:25:36] mystery to me.

[00:25:37] If Barndham

[00:25:38] had been the

[00:25:39] kind of man

[00:25:40] to be an

[00:25:40] esoteric

[00:25:41] Buddhist,

[00:25:42] it might be

[00:25:43] accounted for

[00:25:44] as an

[00:25:44] astral shape.

[00:25:45] But esoteric

[00:25:47] Buddhism requires

[00:25:47] an exemplary

[00:25:48] character,

[00:25:49] and a

[00:25:50] year of

[00:25:51] more of

[00:25:51] abstract

[00:25:52] meditation,

[00:25:53] both of

[00:25:54] which are

[00:25:55] conditions far

[00:25:56] beyond

[00:25:56] Barndham's

[00:25:57] attainment.

[00:25:59] The shape

[00:26:01] may have

[00:26:02] been one

[00:26:02] of those

[00:26:03] subtle

[00:26:03] emanations

[00:26:04] which we

[00:26:05] are told

[00:26:05] some people

[00:26:06] are constantly

[00:26:07] shedding like

[00:26:08] the coats

[00:26:08] of an

[00:26:09] onion,

[00:26:09] and with

[00:26:10] certain

[00:26:10] conditions of

[00:26:11] the atmosphere

[00:26:12] and the

[00:26:12] extreme activity

[00:26:13] of Barndham's

[00:26:14] mind,

[00:26:15] under

[00:26:15] certain

[00:26:16] excitement,

[00:26:17] possibly

[00:26:18] contributed

[00:26:18] to materialize

[00:26:20] in this

[00:26:20] particular

[00:26:21] instance.

[00:26:22] Or perhaps

[00:26:23] it was merely

[00:26:23] a caprice

[00:26:24] of one of

[00:26:24] those vagrant

[00:26:25] poltergeists,

[00:26:27] or supernatural

[00:26:28] buffoons,

[00:26:29] which took

[00:26:29] upon itself

[00:26:30] very efficiently

[00:26:31] the duty

[00:26:32] of avenging

[00:26:33] my behavior

[00:26:34] to Barndham.

[00:26:35] Upon one

[00:26:36] point I am

[00:26:38] clear.

[00:26:38] The whole

[00:26:39] of this

[00:26:39] system of

[00:26:40] deliberate

[00:26:41] persecution

[00:26:41] being undertaken

[00:26:43] directly on

[00:26:44] Barndham's

[00:26:45] account,

[00:26:46] he has

[00:26:46] morally and

[00:26:47] legally bound,

[00:26:49] bound to

[00:26:50] reimburse me

[00:26:51] for the

[00:26:51] heavy expense

[00:26:52] and damage

[00:26:53] which have

[00:26:54] resulted

[00:26:54] therefrom.

[00:26:57] Hitherto

[00:26:57] I have been

[00:26:58] unable to

[00:26:59] impress

[00:27:00] Barndham

[00:27:00] with this

[00:27:01] principle,

[00:27:01] and so my

[00:27:02] wrongs are

[00:27:03] still without

[00:27:03] redress.

[00:27:04] I may be

[00:27:05] asked why

[00:27:06] I do not

[00:27:06] make them

[00:27:07] a basis

[00:27:07] of an

[00:27:07] action at

[00:27:08] law,

[00:27:08] but persons

[00:27:09] of refinement

[00:27:10] will understand

[00:27:11] my reluctance

[00:27:12] to resort

[00:27:12] to legal

[00:27:13] proceedings

[00:27:13] against one

[00:27:14] with whom

[00:27:15] I have at

[00:27:16] least lived

[00:27:16] on a

[00:27:17] footing of

[00:27:18] friendship.

[00:27:19] I would

[00:27:20] fain persuade

[00:27:21] and shrink

[00:27:22] from appealing

[00:27:23] to force,

[00:27:24] and I have

[00:27:25] besides not

[00:27:26] yet succeeded

[00:27:27] in persuading

[00:27:28] any solicitor,

[00:27:29] even a shady

[00:27:30] one,

[00:27:30] to take up

[00:27:32] my case.

[00:27:33] This broadcast

[00:27:39] has been provided

[00:27:40] with the

[00:27:41] assistance of

[00:27:41] the head

[00:27:42] archivist,

[00:27:43] Society of

[00:27:44] Virtuous Pagans.

[00:27:45] This tale was

[00:27:46] presented by

[00:27:47] August Brotherton.

[00:27:48] Our sound and

[00:27:49] editing were

[00:27:50] provided by

[00:27:50] Creative Minds

[00:27:51] Audio.

[00:27:52] Our logo was

[00:27:53] designed by

[00:27:54] Massface,

[00:27:55] with the

[00:27:56] Helios radio

[00:27:56] created by

[00:27:57] Kieran Byrne.

[00:27:59] This story was

[00:28:00] adapted by

[00:28:01] Alex Bagasy

[00:28:02] from F.

[00:28:03] Anstey's

[00:28:03] March 1879

[00:28:05] story as

[00:28:06] published in

[00:28:06] the Temple Bar.

[00:28:07] It is used

[00:28:09] under public

[00:28:09] domain license.

[00:28:11] All persons,

[00:28:12] places,

[00:28:12] and related

[00:28:13] media have

[00:28:14] been treated

[00:28:14] with a

[00:28:15] Nagoya

[00:28:15] memetic.

[00:28:16] Have faith.

[00:28:18] We know.